It's too painful to cry

I'm finally at my breaking point. I'm sick of the bullshit, I'm sick of the pain, I sick of the way these people treat me. I'm not your fucking dog, you don't fucking know me. Who are you to tell me about my life and what I can and can't do. I've suffered years, and years upon years of this. Leave me alone, stop all the pain. Stop treating me like a dirty old rag. I'm not your punching bag, I don't wanna take these hits anymore. I put up this wall, a huge wall that can take so much before it starts crumbling down. At this point I ask myself why me? What did I ever do to deserve this shit. Why am I constantly thingy about cutting myself but refraining from it because I care too much about my family. Why have I thought of the world being better off with out me. What have could I have possibly done to deserve so much hatred? Nothing. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I don't DESERVE anything from you. You don't have that right to decide whether or not I deserve something because you don't know what dues I've made. The sacrifices I've had to deal with. I don't give a fuck how much money you have or where your from, cause the only person who judges me is God because when everyone else fails me besides my family who will always be there for me. God has the power to heal my wounds, and is because of him, my faith stays strong because he makes me feel better about myself. I'm sad, and nobody can comfort me.

Lesson Learned

           It's funny when you look back and see the childish thinks you've done. Every once in a while I think back at all the things that frustrated me as a child. I still am a child! With a wry smile upon my face, I decide. I like the fate I've brought myself to. I wouldn't change a minute of my life, for that one minute, that one second, would ruin who I am. I stumble, as do my friends, my family and everyone on this planet. We learn from our silly mistakes and it makes us stronger, and better. I'm happy with the path I choose. I choose very wisley :).
           The other day I was scrolling through my timeline on Facebook when I saw a "Note" I had written a long time ago. I honestly can't recall what made me write such a strong message but as soon as I finished reading that last sentence I chuckled and thought. " Wow, I was such a child!" I then realize that when I was younger I tried so hard to be an adult. I tried to show people I was mature. Well, I finally developed that maturity for the most part, but I've grown up. As I write this however, I can't seem to stop that grin that keeps sliding onto my face! I'm only 13!! I still have much to learn! Anyways, I now will share with you my post.


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The jackass that led me to believe I was important and pretended to be my friend reminded me something. Hell, I've known for a while... You might ask what it is right? Well you already know it inside you, and you will never ever accept it the way I have. Here it is... " TRUST NO ONE". You love your parents right, but why? You always fight with them and argue.  People say " I have a great family! we live in peace  and we never have problems" You know what I say? That's a goddamn lie! I have to do what they tell me because they provide a roof over my head and alot of stuff I don't need but does that give them the right to treat me like a maid, a speck of dirt? What the fuck is going on in this world? I have feelings, you have feelings, we all do! Can I show them, express them? Hell no, and you wanna no why? Because, we all do fucked up things and it's in our nature and who is gonna stop? I know I won't, will you? I'm not saying you have to change, hell you probably don't know what the hell I'm saying. I'm saying stop with the bullshit and stand up for your friends. Stop the shit you have between people because one day It's gonna bite you in the butt. So many people change because they wanna stop the madness, they truly live a good life no matter how bad it may seem. People mean something to people, they mean something to me. Why the fuck would you pretend to be someones friend?  I'm tired of being stood up like that. That's why you should never ever trust people. Always have your guard up.

            Sorry about the language! You know how kids are these days... I had such a way with word didn't I? I hope I didn't confuse the moral of this post! I just wanted to get across, look back and laugh at those silly problems you had. Those problems and those mistakes you had growing up are what made you who you are today. Never dwell on the past. Just stop and smell the roses along the way! And also remember life is short so live it wisely! 

The Mask

I hide behind my face. Life is hard, and I try to put my best foot forward but it's never enough! Have you ever hidden behind the walls, feel like your wearing a mask? Always having to watch your back? It's a depressing state.

          Walking through the doldrums and looking up, almost everybody wears a mask. Some people have one or two (A.K.A two faced) and the rest are hiding. Separating them selves from the world and living in a fantasy dream. Its funny when you think about it. Looking back, I see that people really have an affect on your life. I couldn't possibly have made it where I am. But then there are those people who have no soul, no heart and don't give a horses butt about anybody but themselves. The intentions of these people are just cruel! Why do people try so hard to hurt others. Sometimes I wish I could start over. Wouldn't you like that? I sure would.

      It's difficult...Life is very complex. We claim to live it but do we really? I walk around everyday, looking for reason. Why does my life feel so crippled? I feel like a piece of tin foil; first you start out nice and smooth, then slowly you get crumpled and damaged. You can try smoothing it out but It will never be the same. Who do I have, who do you have? My family supporting me? Just another lie from around the corner we tell ourselves. We all go through life like hawks. Brave, strong, and empowering. Always flying around, very vigilant but hidden. We live behind a crazed world where we all mask our faces. Imagine a world where we can take it off, leave it off and burn it from our memories. Where the unicorns run wild and the fairies can fly. Logically speaking I would be bipolar but I'm done with it. Don't judge me when your imperfections are far more complex than mine. Don't put me down when I try to build myself up. Stop hating the work and start hating the insecurities of yourself and realize the pain and destructive path you leave behind. So drop your mask and live your life freely.

You are Beautiful! no matter what the say!

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder" now that's a statement! Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Yes people are shallow; it's impossible not to be! But its not entirely our fault. When we look at magazines and commercials, we always see good looking people ! So if you think about it, society says  if we want to be "beautiful" we have to look like the models and the actor we see on TV and in magazine ads. luckily, some people are not so mean and shallow like others, but it's still programmed in our minds that if you're not "beautiful" you don't belong in society! Now THAT is a tough concept to intake.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a shallow person! and most all of you are probably thinking, "well, I'm not shallow!" and you know what I say? Phooey! Are you sure your not shallow? I've been a bully to kids because of what they look like and other kids have bullied me because i'm not "beautiful". And for some bizarre reason, I ACTUALLY believe it! and pretty sure this has happen to ALL of you before. The problem is that when I was little, me and my friends were ALL the same. No butts, no boobies! I even had guy friends and we all use to hang out and have fun. Now, all my friends grew ginormous butts and boobs, while I didn't grow as much. All those guys friends I use to hang out with stopped talking to me and actually "went out" with my other friends! and those so called friends didn't talk to me anymore. I decided to keep my head in the books instead of my looks. Sometimes I think it would've been easier if I actually grew a body along with my "friends" because the sad truth is that society will never change! But as it stands I have friends who accept me for who I am, and love who I am on the inside and not what I look like. hopefully one day, those who believe in "substance over beauty" will overpower those who believe that beauty is all about your looks.

P.S- did you know that a rose is a great representation of inner beauty?

Money? - Everyday story of my life!

Money. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!!! our country revolves around money. People always say "Money can't buy happiness". and you know what I say? "well, it sure as hell makes you happy." The fact of the matter is, if you don't have money, you can't survive! Our world revolves around a system called "Economy" and Believe me when I say it's very confusing.
 The economy is the wealth and resources of a country or region in terms of production and consumption of goods and service. What does that mean??? It means ladies and gentlemen that the more we spend on food ,clothing , electronics etc. the better the economy, because the state and the country makes more money for their "needs". See we all depend on the balance! That's the problem. For example: before you could buy 3 cereal boxes for 3 dollars, and now-a-days its more like 2 cereal boxes for 4 dollars. My theory is that people stop spending money so the state needed to raise the prices on certain necessities such as gas, and food items. Most people refused to start paying more, so the state continued raising the prices. There goes our economy! But now, nobody has money to spend, so the state has to keep raising the prices on gas, food, etc.. and that's the endless confusing cycle of the economy!